And Now A Bit From Dr. Seuss

Nuff said?

Would Jew Believe This? The Story Of Passover.

By Findalis
Monkey in the Middle

For my regular readers:

I have been in the hospital for the last 5 days, missed the first Seder night, and haven't been able to post in all that time.  So I'm posting these old posts for the holiday of Passover.

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A young boy returned home from Hebrew school, washed his hands and sat down to dinner.

His father asked him what he learned that day in school.

The boy replied that the Rabbi told his class the most amazing story of how the Jews were rescued from the Land of Egypt and brought to the Land of Israel.

His father smiled and asked his son to relate the story the Rabbi told them.

"Sure Dad," the boy said.  "Now this story happened a long time ago, before the time of CNN.  Before the time of computers, and cell phones.  Before even TV.  I think it was in the 1920s or so it happened.

"Egypt was ruled by this guy named Pharaoh.  I think it means "Nasty Egyptian". And we Jews were his slaves. We didn't like being slaves and prayed to G-d to set us free. G-d heard our prayers and sent us a miracle.

"G-d  sent the IDF back in time to rescue the Children of Israel (I think they rescued the parents too.).  The Commandos diverted the Egyptian Army while the Children and their parents fled to the Red Sea (It was red because G-d turned the water to blood like in Zombie Killers 3.).  There the IDF built Pontoon bridges across the Red Sea for the people to go across.  When the Egypt Army tried to follow, the IDF blew up the bridges.

"Then this guy named Moshe Dayan (He is the head of the IDF, I think. Rabbi said he was G-d's greatest profits.) lead the Children of Israel (and their parents) to Mount Sinai where Moshe lays down the law, destroys the Golden Calf and leads them to Israel.

"But it took them 40 years because nobody had a GPS and Moshe would not ask for directions."

His father had a look upon his face that was a cross between total astonishment and WTF.  "Is this what the Rabbi taught you?"

"No Dad,"  the boy said.  "But you wouldn't believe the crazy story he did tell."

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Actually I'm not sure that is not the correct story.  It could be giving that a certain Time Lord, his TARDIS and a few units of the IDF could have pulled it off.

But perhaps G-d did it this way:

From Chabad

After many decades of slavery to the Egyptian pharaohs, during which time the Israelites were subjected to backbreaking labor and unbearable horrors, G‑d saw the people's distress and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: "Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me." But despite numerous warnings, Pharaoh refused to heed G‑d's command. G‑d then sent upon Egypt ten devastating plagues, afflicting them and destroying everything from their livestock to their crops.

At the stroke of midnight of 15 Nissan in the year 2448 from creation (1313 BCE), G‑d visited the last of the ten plagues on the Egyptians, killing all their firstborn. While doing so, G‑d spared the Children of Israel, "passing over" their homes-hence the name of the holiday. Pharaoh's resistance was broken, and he virtually chased his former slaves out of the land. The Israelites left in such a hurry, in fact, that the bread they baked as provisions for the way did not have time to rise. Six hundred thousand adult males, plus many more women and children, left Egypt on that day, and began the trek to Mount Sinai and their birth as G‑d's chosen people.

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Or maybe not.  Any way that G-d performed the miracle of the Passover was the correct story. 

The Low-Information Voter’s Guide to Politics

By Findalis
Monkey in the Middle

by Oleg Atbashian

Are you typically lost when co-workers discuss current events around the water cooler? Do you have trouble figuring out the national debt or who that Ben Ghazi dude is, but you know what’s on Kim Kardashian’s grocery list?

If you think you only deserve fun answers to all life’s questions … you’re right! This primer will help you look smart and morally superior in any political discussion. Just memorize these big words, explained in easy terms you already know from TMZ and The Daily Show:

BIASED: If you have a weird friend who goes to church and her parents are still married, that’s what they are.

ELECTIONS: These are like the Teen Choice Awards: the coolest and most popular wins. Democrats always win because they are cool and popular. Republicans are more like your weird friend’s parents.

DEBT CEILING: This is like Lindsay Lohan’s probation: by law, she should go to jail if she gets arrested, but we all know she won’t.

PUBLIC EDUCATION. Think Memento. Remember how the guy in the movie learned to go through life and fight enemies by relying on snapshots, notes, and tattoos? Public education does that on a national level as a free service.

IM-MI-GRA-TION: Whew, that’s a long word — just like that velvet rope outside nightclubs. When really fun people arrive, you just open it right up.

QUAN-TI-TA-TIVE EASING: Remember Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can, and how he printed his own checks? Well, that’s what the Treasury secretary, Tim Geithner, does. It’s really cool.

TRILLION DOLLARS: This is a silly number. If someone says: “The U.S. national debt has topped 16 trillion,” take it easy. Remember how Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to fifteen life terms while having only one life?

Once you owe more than you can pay, numbers stop making sense. Anything above that is free money; spend it fast so you can get more.

ECONOMIC STIMULUS: It’s like Whitney Houston upping her dosage to get the same high, always needing to use more and more to “chase the dragon.”

SE-QUE-STRA-TION: This is just a made-up word that Republicans say to make you feel stupid.

FAIR SHARE: Someone you know has three Louis Vuitton handbags and you only have one. As many as you can get somebody else to steal from them and give to you — that is your fair share.

ENTITLEMENTS: This is like celebrities getting a $30,000 bag of goodies for showing up to the Oscars, so that the givers get more street cred and respect. And votes.

FOREIGN POLICY: Think Lady Gaga’s world tour: it’s totally awesome but can also get weird — like, she’s hot in places like Europe and Japan, but gets booed and canceled in places like Indonesia.

IRAN: Think Robert Downey Jr. — he may be calm at the moment, but if he gets his hands on the wrong stuff, he could trash his neighbor’s house and pass out naked on the lawn.

MUSLIMS: These are like the blue people from the movie Avatar — they live in a magic tree and don’t need human technology or any of our laws like gravitation, because they have a miraculous energy source inside their planet. Humans must respect that, and send them humanitarian aid. But instead, an evil corporation from Earth brings drilling equipment; that’s why all humans get killed.

ISRAEL: This is like the evil corporation from Avatar that landed on the blue people’s planet.

OIL: Think magic energy source on planet Pandora that humans want to steal. Get over it, humans!

OCCUPY WALL STREET: People in this movement are fighting greed by forcing Michael Douglas’ character in Wall Street to give more money to the 99% of people like us. We need to support their stand against corporations by friending them on Facebook™ and re-Tweeting them on Twitter™.

MEDIA: The good media are like paparazzi and E! Entertainment who keep it real by telling us all the truth about interesting people. The bad media are like bullies who make good people look bad. Nobody listens to them except for your friend’s weird parents.

HIGH-CAPACITY MAGAZINES: These do not contain expensive perfume samples that you can rip out while waiting at your hair salon. See GUN CONTROL.

GUN CONTROL: If Naomi Campbell had a gun, she would be shooting at her maids all the time. Without a gun she just beats them with a cell phone and then gives them compensation. Everyone is alive and happy. As long as the government keeps guns away from the citizens, Rihanna and Chris Brown will always be together.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Think Brad Pitt, dashing A-lister who can’t do anything wrong.

FIRST LADY: She is like Kim Kardashian, only with other people’s money.

VICE PRESIDENT: Think Steve Carell, a lovable nincompoop who likes to make others laugh.

WHITE HOUSE: This is like Cribs, a really fancy pad where celebrities hang out and party instead of working.

MIDDLE CLASS: These are like the extras in movies — kind of important but nobody cares who they really are.

CON-STI-TU-TION: It sounds almost like Cosmopolitan, except it’s really old and has no make-up ads or sexy pictures, but some people are really into it, like Antiques Roadshow.

The Obama Prayer

From the Book of Obama

Our Gubmint Mack-Daddy, Hallowed be thy name, please forgive my trespass against Thee.

O, Holiest of Holies named 0-Bama, forgive this poor, benighted sinner, I know not what I say about Your Holiness. Forgive me, Pardon me, grant me atonement for my lack of faith in Your Works on the public dime, Your Holy Ascensions to multiple golf-courses, and Your many Junkets to raise money from Your disciples, all at $35,000 a plate.

Let not Your ATF, FBI, and IRS not hound or audit me to the poor-house, for I am with You.....Yea, thugh I blaspheme against You this day, I will be with You, always.....

I, *Insert your name*, do beseech the Saints, Saint Solyndra, Saint Soros, Saint Reverend Wright, Saint Bill Ayres, and Saint Light-Squared, to protect me and intercede with the Holiest of Holies, The 0bama, on my behalf!

Amen!

By Findalis of Monkey in the Middle

And The World Is Suppose To Be Scared Of These Guys?

By Findalis of Monkey in the Middle

Last year the Iranians decided that Star Wars was the look for them.  This year it is a cross between Lady Gaga and a Bad Hair Day.  But once again the Iranian Army has trotted out their "New Look" for the year:

I guess a new hairstylist would help these guys.

Did anyone tell these guys that American Gladiator is no longer on the air?

The badges on their sashes are for not wetting the bed.

Once again the Iranians have shown us that good taste is not needed in their military.

Hat Tip to SimplyJews

Sderot: November Update

Crossposted by Findalis at Monkey in the Middle

By Anav Silverman - Sderot Media Center

More than 126 Qassam and 71 mortar rockets were fired at Sderot and the Negev from northern Gaza since November 4 according to the Intelligence and Terrorism and Information Center.

November 4-5, 2008: Over 60 Palestinian Qassam rockets were fired on Sderot and the western Negev. Hamas renewed Qassam rocket fire against Israeli civilians living in the Negev throughout Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning, in light of. The rockets damaged several green houses in the western Negev. Two rockets landed in Ashkelon, one which hit a quiet neighborhood, and sent three people into shock and trauma. The massive rocket attack came about when IDF Special Forces entered Gaza to blow up a tunnel dug by Hamas terrorists that was created in order to abduct Israeli soldiers.

Photo courtesy of Sderot Media Center

November 7, 2008: Southern Israelis woke up to another day of rocket attacks Friday as Palestinian terrorists fired five Kassams at western Negev neighborhoods. The rockets landed in the Sderot, Eshkol and Sha'ar Hanegev regions. No one was wounded and no damage was reported. One of the Kassams landed near a kibbutz reservoir, while a second hit the fence surrounding another western Negev kibbutz. The other rockets hit open areas. The Islamic Jihad's armed wing claimed responsibility for the attacks. (Jerusalem Post)

November 14, 2008: A Qassam rocket launched from the northern Gaza Strip hit an electric pole near a house in Sderot on Friday, injuring an 80-year-old woman with shrapnel and seven people suffered from shock from the attack.

Four more rockets hit the Ashkelon area later Friday. One landed inside the city, another fell just outside, and two more landed in nearby open fields shortly after an alarm was sounded. Defense establishment officials said at least two of the rockets were Grad missiles. Three people suffered from shock. All victims were evacuated to Barzilai hospital in Ashkelon. A total of 14 rockets were fired on the Western Negev on Friday. (YNET News)

November 20, 2008: The port city of Ashdod, 24 km north of the Gaza border, was this week connected to the rocket alert system already in use in Ashkelon and Sderot. It is an acknowledgement that threats by Palestinian militants to bring it within range are being taken
seriously. (Jewish Chronicle)

November 27, 2008: Gaza terrorists continued their attacks on southern Israel Thursday evening, firing a Kassam rocket that hit a home in the Eshkol region, damaging the structure wounding no one. Earlier Thursday, two rockets landed in open areas in the western Negev. The exact impact sites of the other two rockets could not initially be ascertained due to heavy fog in the area, however there were no reports of wounded or further damage.

November 29, 2008: Eight Israel Defense Forces soldiers were wounded Friday evening, two seriously, after mortars fired by Gaza Strip militants hit a military base near Kibbutz Nahal Oz in the western Negev. The soldiers were evacuated to Soroka Hospital in Be'er Sheva and to Barzilai Hospital in Ashkelon. Six soldiers were still hospitalized Saturday morning. Doctors had to amputate the leg of one of the soldiers who was brought to the hospital in serious condition.
(Haaretz.com)

From Monkey in the Middle:

Just imagine you are sitting down to your Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner and a rocket lands in your home, or your neighbors, or your child's school. Imagine the stress and trauma that the people of the Western Negev have lived with these 8 years. No nation on Earth would put up with it for this long, and yet Israel has to. Why? Because the world would condemn them if they truly struck back.

This holiday season please give a small donation to the Sderot Media Center. Help make a traumatized child's Hanukkah a little more joyful.



It has been said by many that only Jews can make light of a tragedy. That when things are bad they turn to comedy. And so it is in Israel with the situation in the Western Negev. And only Yaakov Kirschen can do it best.

From Dry Bones